Back to one year ago

Today I was reminded of where I was a year ago. And that wasn’t a particularly good time. It was pretty much a year ago that I had one of the worst flares I had experienced and it took me months to get back to where I was before the flare. It took me almost 8 months to be able to straighten my knee again. It took me nearly 10 months to be able sleep through the night/get to sleep before 1am. And that was all because of one stupid, horrible flare.

I went to the Cinema today, to see Divergent (which was awesome by the way!) and just had a really lousy time joint wise. I tend to make a conscious effort to avoid the cinema because I always flare, mainly because I can’t move around properly but today was just horrible. I couldn’t really enjoy the film because my knee was playing up so bad, I could feel it stiffening and no amount of stretches I could do was easing it… By half way through the film I couldn’t straighten my knee from the 90 degree angle it was at. That’s when the panic started. How am I going to get out of the cinema if I can’t straighten my knee? Do I chance trying to have a walk around now? Should I tell mum? Should I try and ignore it?

Joint pain is a funny thing, because you really can’t block it out, especially when your entheses (where tendons and ligaments attach to bone) start to join in. I have a high pain threshold usually but I’m not joking when I say that it was bloody sore.

Has anyone tried walking on a knee that won’t physically straighten? Well it’s difficult! Thankfully my knee straightened past the 90 degree stage at the end of the film, with a lot of force and cursing and pain but it wouldn’t straighten fully. In fact, it still hasn’t.

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But thankfully it isn’t too swollen, well my entheses are but my actual knee is just puffy, although it is very warm to the touch.

I’m quite angry at myself actually, not because my knee is flaring, that’s not my fault, but because I knew it was flaring and I didn’t get up and have a walk around earlier in the film. And now I might be back at the same place I was a year ago. I am hoping with all of my heart that this flare will pass quickly, because I don’t think that I can cope with another flare like last year’s without treatment. I can’t go another 10 months without a proper nights sleep.

It’s not just my knee that I’m stressing about… My feet are being pure horrible too. I can’t stand on the floor unless I’m wearing my insoles without it feeling like my arches are collapsing. And when the bones in your feet have fused, when your arches collapse that actually feels like your bones are snapping! And then the joints in my feet are hurting, if that all wasn’t bad enough. How can the joints that have fused still hurt?! There is no space for inflammation there, there is no joint space to become inflammed! And then I also think I am getting the starts of Plantar Fasciitis too, although not in the typical place at your heel… No I get it in the atypical place, where the tendon attaches to your toes. Nothing about me is typical, unfortunately.

And on top of all that I am totally stressed out about my exams and about my rheumatology appointment which is almost a month away! All I want to do right is go to the beach and just listen to the sea and relax… But I think that is going to have to wait till after my exams. I keep telling myself that I’ve only got a month or so to go and then I don’t have to worry about exams for a while. I think that’s the only thing that’s keeping me sane right now.

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