It has been ages since my last post and I do apologise for that. Those of you who know me personally will know that I have been having a tough time recently, both physically and mentally. Part of my lack of posts is a result of my going on holiday with my family which was totally awesome… but it was slightly overshadowed by the fact that someone close to me is incredibly ill and that we have no idea what is going to happen in the near future. I am not good with dealing with situations like this, and my way of coping is ignoring what is happening rather than facing it head on. The future is uncertain for everyone whether you are ill or not, and that stresses me out even more because I need some stability in my life but right now my life is anything but stable. When it comes to medical things, I like to know the plan and the back-up plan but in this case there is not a back-up plan, and I can’t tell you how much that scares me. This friend is not the only one who is ill but she is the sickest.
On Thursday I find out whether I get into University or not, and instead of being worried about whether I am going to uni to study the course I want to study, I am worried about staying home since my relationship with my family is less than perfect right now. Everything that has been going on in my life has resulted in me acting totally out of character and pushing the people who care about me further and further away, until it has gotten to the point where my family is literally at breaking point. As it turns out, when I am under this much stress I’m not always a nice person.
I haven’t been sleeping well recently… which is saying something because I don’t usually sleep that well but maybe when Thursday has come I will be happier because I will at least have some direction in my life and I will know what I will be doing in the next year academically, but until then my life doesn’t really have any clear direction.
I’m finding it very difficult to keep this post going and I’m finding it hard to say how I am feeling in a way that other people can understand and I think that is a result of my mind being such a crazy tangle of emotions that I really don’t know how I feel. I am hoping that come Thursday, that my stress levels will have reduced enough for me to make sense of my head so I can leave the place where I am at right now and just move ahead with life rather than feeling stuck. Here’s to the future!